Sometimes a song just makes me want to be in the middle of nowhere, with just it and my thoughts.

Now would be one of those times.

Let the record state that listening to Until the Day I Die this morning is fucking killing me. KILLING ME.

my dreams. they're gonna eat me alive. or asleep. or whatever. no, really. they're fucking intense.

i feel horrible right now.

i keep looking for something or someone that I always know is so close. and i can't find it. or them. usually.

this time i don't even know where i was supposed to be, but there were lots of corridors, and windows with random stuff behind them, like a history museum or something. i was chasing someone, and trying so hard to get away from everyone, but i didn't want to be alone.

and then... i was on a bed. and jenn was there. and she brought a huge sea lion. and he was so cute and soft. and he loved me. and we cuddled.

and then... there was this kids craft room of epic significance. and i had to sculpt something but i couldn't figure out what. and there was this ...thing. and i wanted to take it. and hold it. and run away. and i was staring at it so hard...you know when you really focus on something in your dream, and wake up only to realize it was just some faceless person or blurry page or whatever...i couldn't get close enough, or see it clearly enough, and i kept telling myself over and over that I couldn't touch it, but i had to do it, because looking at this...this completely beautiful thing...hurt? no, really, i totally had this emotional breakdown. i am completely drained, though moderately amused at how my brain interprets things. like being selfish.

this morning i woke up at 5:30 and couldn't fall back asleep because I couldn't stop thinking about what I had just woken up from. and i'm tired. and my whole face is puffy.

and...um...i feel kind of weird because there was this one part where katiem00 was laying in my lap wearing low pants and I told her i loved her hip bone. is that weird? i think that's weird. but i am totally into hip bones.

oh, yeah, and fucking last week, i had a dream that i made out with a door. A DOOR. WHAT THE FUCK. was this really necessary to remember? really?

Okay. Just stopping by to say I think today might be the most beautiful day of the year. It's warm. It's windy. It's perfect. And here I am, at work, with a hangover.

Cheers.

Becca's status message: Amazing how cookies, wine, & cheese can turn a crappy morning into a wonderful one.
Becca: I'm eating cheese
me: I wish I was eating cheese. I’m hating life. I’m bored of everything.
Becca: brb

**15 minutes later**



<3 cheese.

<3 cookies.

<3 Becca.

Bitches beat me to it.

Whatever, I'm gonna rock the shit out of this. And I'm not even blonde. JUST YOU WAIT.

Because I just thought of it (re: this):

I thought I hated this band til I heard this song.
Silversun Pickups - Panic Switch

That is all.

Imagine my confusion as a sheltered high school kid when people would talk about Spike Jonze, and I was raised on this guy. I freakin' love him.

Reading this, and thinking of Becca.

I have additions to this list.

• These song titles are right up there with Minus the Bear's
• I'm drinking alone tonight, in case you couldn't tell
• Songs that have that little kid piano in them
• These songs were better before I saw the video
• I didn't like this song til I saw it on a dramatic TV show (*ehem* Gossip Girl)
• I want these songs back so I can give them to someone else
• Let's cry and then make out and then probably cry again
• Songs to listen to when you're feeling shitty and want to feel shittier
• In theory, this should not sound pretty
• I am now uncomfortable that this song was playing earlier because I didn't know what they were singing about
• Goddammit, you wrote these about your fucking kid? Ugh.

I'm going to start on them. I really am. Becca, I hope you will too.

But I don't know where to start!

Actually I do.

Ok.

Bye.

and now i don't remember.

i guess i'll go.

Dear Reckless Abeccabandon,

If you ever compile a book of essays titled "There's a pitbull in my shower," you should probably have this lady contribute this story.

Oh god, this so calls for a list. We should tag-team-google-doc this shit.

OK Bye.

XOXOMG,
Fancy Pants

the following is keeping me from doing anything:

nothing.





now i wait and see if documenting it makes a difference.

DAMN. IT.

I thought I had changed. I thought I was a better person.

I thought, hey, I don't need to sit in front of my computer all day and download music I've never heard before, or go through Spin and look up every new artist I see and make a list of songs to grab and CDs to buy and playlists that need to be made. I can listen to Slacker. This is ok. This will fill my music-obsessing void.

WRONG.

Today, you win. I can't push you out of my head anymore.

Hype Machine, I'm yours. And yes, I HATE YOU.

But you make me feel so goooooooooooooooood!!!

Old habits. Die hard.

ohai lj! Is anybody out there?

So. I was thinking (this never ends well).

When I was a little kid, music was so freakin good. Socks were awesome. Multiple pony tails: radical. I even loved Mtv.

Fast forward: late elementary/middle school. I was sad that Debbie Gibson was harder to come by and no one wore more than one pair of socks at the same time.

High school: Clearly had 80s hang ups. Got depressed because I wished I'd graduated HS in 1984. Hell, senior year I'm in two random yearbook spreads - both times decked out all 80s (to the MAX) for totally unrelated reasons.

College: I start digging up every book and toy from my childhood and decorating my room with them. I find MLP on DVD, and even start watching cartoons again that my grandma TAPED for me when I was like 6. I also kick myself every time I think about how I should not have given away my hypercolor shirt. Damn you, me.

I guess that brings us to the now era? So now people have 80s parties and neon clothing is finally easy to find and all around the trendiness of 80s shit is pretty satisfying. I feel like I need to go out and buy everything, cuz if I miss my window I'm gonna have to wait another 30 years before it all resurfaces and I *might* be ugly and fat by then and....well, yeah. Not worth taking that chance.

Whatever. This is all completely irrelevant. The point was actually that I figured out a way to solve the "i am not in the 80s" problem.

I DID!

So, we just go back in time, you know, to the 80s, and we stay there. We don't wish we were in high school for them, or for college, or for our 20-somethings or thirty-somethings. We just go STAY IN THE 80s FOREVER. I seriously can't believe I didn't think of this sooner.

I'm such an idiot.

PS. And yes, we can take modern technology with us. Twitter in the 80s? Fucking awesome.

PSS. You rain on my parade, you lose a testicle.

Example A:

FireBadMattGood: Would you rather have sex with Jessica Alba 4 times or have Jessica Biel hand feed you Doritos whenever you want for the rest of your life?
manakatie: If you chose Jessica Biel, you'd be #settlingfordoritos hahahahaha

Example B:

me:...a guy in a banana suit just walked by. Really.
me: <- is never eating again.
manakatie: Did you eat the banana?

Weekend Highlights:

• True North. Weird and out-of-place feeling bar in North Park. Delicious and weird gin/juice/tea drink named Cherry Bitch.

• Amazing stories from Stephanie including "THERESAMARINEINMYBED" and, paraphrased, "OMGWTFDIDYOUJUSTSPEWOONTOMYLEG?!"

• First time at Ranchos. Atmosphere: 5 stars. Food: NOWHERE NEAR as good as El Zarape.

• Reuniting with the Winchesters for several hours.

• A lovely wedding with a memorable centerpiece theft tale that should never be told because it wouldn't be funny unless you were there, also overheard a little girl shouting "I LOVE BALLS. BALLS ARE AWESOME."

• Chocolate.

• Attempted game of "catch up" with Heroes, still have like 6 more to go.

• A dream that Birdie was my camera, and I kept him in my purse, and pushed down on his head to focus.

Here is what I started writing on March 23rd and never finished. It is no longer news, except I still like the "your mom" part, so I figure it's worth immortalizing via blog.

( Read it. )

I just heard that Andy Hallett died of congestive heart failure. He was only 33. I never knew how young he was. I never even knew what his real face looked like. The news made me cry and wish I was with Beth.

See ya, Lorne :(

...but say hi to Doyle for us :)

Gawd.

First of all, I'm fucking old.

Second of all, my 10 year high school reunion is next year.

I'm not going.

I'm not!

I've talked to Becca about this on several occasions. I say, I hate so many of these people, I see them around on MySpace and Facebook and a handful of them - rather, THE handful of them - have NOT changed. They look the same, they still hang out together, and frankly, I don't want to know how successful they've been financially or how jerk-faced they still are. I don't want to know who is dead, and I don't want to know who has turned their life around. But Becca says what about the people you DON'T hate? Wouldn't it be great to be with them all in the same place?

Sure, it might be fun.

But then again, with genuinely mean people around, it's sort of hard o enjoy yourself.

Jenn and I talked about high school a couple months ago. And first of all, can I clarify something? I had an AWESOME time in high school. I had awesome friends who I still have now. I wouldn't change much if I did it all again.

BUT!

Back to talking to Jenn. SO we pulled out the yearbooks, and we were just looking at pictures...and then the memories started coming back. We'd see someone's mug and be like, "OH GOD, I HATED her" or "Holy shit, I forgot she existed, that fucking BITCH!!" And it soon became apparent that we really hated a lot of people that went to our school. I can't speak for everyone, but I never had any horrible personal run-ins with our "in" crowd. But I saw the way people talked down to the "geeks" and weird kids...I know, it's high school, every neighborhood has them. Yeah, sure. But fuck them!! What the fuck! I fucking love geeks, you assholes!

Okay, tangent, sorry.

The point is, these kids were spoon fed everything, they did a lot of drugs, had a lot of money and totally had an elitist complex. In lots of cases, I think these types of people definitely grow up after high school. But in our case - from what I've seen on this here interwebs and just running into these guys downtown and in PB (I will NEVER, EVER set FOOT in PB Bar & Grill), it is sooooooo blatantly obvious that THEY ARE THE SAME. And that's sad. And it's also sad that I have thought about it this much, it's sad that I can't just let it go, and it's sad that another reason I don't want to go to the reunion is because I would have to see two people who I blocked on facebook who I dislike for other reasons ;P.

Anyway, a friend from High School invited me to join the reunion group on Facebook. It's up to like 90 something people now. There were 500 of us. I looked at the list. There's a good number of people who I forgot about and was like, "Oh yeah! I wonder what she's been up to!" but for the most part, (and I laugh as I say this) I fucking hate those kids!! It's totally funny. And sad, like I said. So I didn't join the group. I'd rather stay out of it.

I don't need to experience "Ari, Jenn & Becca's High School Reunion" Romy & Michele style.

That's what the High School Stereotype parties are for.